Butterfly bruises

I am finding myself rather enamored with a new bruise I have developed just below my collarbone. It is too faint to photograph; trust me, I tried. The cool thing about it is that it looks rather like a butterfly wing. The top edge is smooth, but the bottom is scalloped and delicate. How does one achieve such a bruise, you might wonder? Well, it takes some work, and I wouldn't suggest the process to anyone. I did it completely by chance, and I could not guarantee the results of anyone else attempting this.

You see, what you do is you wear a shirt or other top with a scalloped neckline. This is the key to having a butterfly bruise. Forget this step, and the rest of the process is just a costly mess. Next, you hop in your car and head to work on a Monday morning when it's dark and pouring down the rain and you'd rather just stay in bed. Some of these elements are not essential to attaining a butterfly bruise, but this is how I got mine. The next thing you do is head up a small incline and hydroplane, hitting first one concrete barrier and then crossing a lane of traffic to hit the concrete barrier dividing the highway down the center. Your car should then turn about 140 degrees to face and block oncoming traffic. Don't forget to scream in terror while this is happening or to be eternally grateful that no one else was hurt and that you walked away with only a couple of bruises. Give yourself a day or two to calm down and then take a peek at where the seat belt came into contact with your skin. There you should find your butterfly bruise!

As cool as this is, though, please take my word for it that the coolness of the bruise does not merit the wild ride required to get it.